ACT

What!? I just took the ACT, didn't I?

Exactly..... lol

I'm not alright

If weakness is a wound
That no one wants to speak of
Then “cool” is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess

I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I’m open wide
With nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on
Cause honestly, I’m not that strong

I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you

And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...

I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
Leads me to you, leads me to you

I’m not alright, I’m not alright, I’m not alright...that’s why I need you

Oh boy. Such fun.

I'm so stupid for deciding to stay out at my dad's for Spring Break. I'm happy because I get to spend so much time with all of my best friends, but it's so hard. My dad just won't for one moment let me live my life without the worry of what his future is going to be like.

This really sucks. I cannot stand it. It's like constantly living your life, but then handling the burdens of a whole other person. My dad lets me know about how he is going to go to jail if he sticks around. How my mom probably let out a warrent for his arrest. How he is going to leave and go to the east coast. How I'm not going to see him for a long time. How I'm going to be without an earthly father. It's so hard to handle. I'm so use to being told by him that he is going to pack up and leave. I've heard this four times already for quite some time. I'm scared because I don't know when the moment will come when he will actually be gone; when my dad will not be here for me or when I won't be there for him. He is an acoholic too, so it's not like I can actually tell when he is being completely honest. He is a very emotional drunk too. He was sitting infront of me today, sobbing. He was telling me how he is so upset because he doesn't think he will see my sisters and I for a long time.

I'm angry with my mom right now too. I need to talk to her. She is the one who is causing all of this trouble with my dad. He cannot afford paying child support and no matter what my mom keeps on drilling at him, but there is nothing for him to give. My mom is trying to shake the coins from a piggy bank that is already empty. What a capitalist! Haha. I promised my dad that I wouldn't call my mom and find out if she really did allow for the arrest warrent thingy to be sent out. If she did, I can't help it...I'm going to be very upset with her. My dad is going to be leaving thanks to her. I don't want to call her now though.

I just want to be in the future right now. I'm not ready to be a parent, but I'm being one still. Ahh! Why can't my parents just grow up!?!?! I just can't wait when I will grow up and be far away from dealing with my parents and all of their problems. Then, I only get to be worried about what is going on in my own household and not anyone else. I'm suppose to be enjoying my teenage years as a teenager, but instead I'm a teenager being an adult.

I was really looking forward to Spring Break. I'm not so excited for it anymore.

experiencing God's presence to Uh oh!

About a week ago or so, I was doing my normal bible reading and I came across this part in Mark that I really liked and reminded me of something. I have the Life Application Bible with all of the handy dandy notes that really help me out a lot and make many connections that I might not always see. I was reading Mark 9 that has the story of the Transfiguration that James, John, and Peter saw and it also has when Jesus healed a demon-possessed boy. Okay so, what I didn't really think about was how James, John, and Peter all were experiencing God's presence. I mean, God was definitely there and God even opened up the heavens and told the disciples that Jesus was His beloved son. Then, after this experience of God's presence, the disciples transfered into the 'real world.' They went straight from experiencing God's presence to facing evil, or the demon-possessed boy. That has got to be tough. It could be from going to an awesome conference over the summer to going back to an awful home life. What it reminded me of most was of going to camp and then coming back home. I know so many people that experience this awesome summer of camp where they experience God's presence. But once they get home and experience the evil around them, they fall in. They disregard everything they learned over the summer and go straight back to drinking, to swearing, to having sex etc. Something that stuck out to me the most was how throughout the God experience and the evil experience, Jesus was always with them. I just wish that people from my camp or anyone who has experienced something like awesome God experience to bad experience would realize that Jesus is always with them. Hello out there! Yeah! He is! And do you know how Jesus got rid of the evil?! Yep! He prayed. When we deal with situations like this, we can pray; we can read God's word; we can talk to God; we can write to God; we can do whatever we need to do to stay close to God in hard times. I guess the point of me writing this out is because I want to be able to share this with all of the campers at my camp this summer. I'm thinking of maybe trying to hold one of the devotions for the Leadership Development Campers and trying to drill into their heads that it's not impossible! And everything is possible with God! (Mark 10:27) And I thought it would be nice to share this even though most of you probably already now this. Maybe you can now get some of the handy dandy connections brought to you by my Life Application Bible.